Letter from a New Nut

Dear Head Nut,

I just joined this distinguished Society and have been assigned #4084. I noticed that you no longer track Nut points. I totaled only 7,077 points on my entrance exam. That may be good for me but when compared to a Nut of the Year with over 100,000 it looks like I left it a tad short! I was going to try to up my total with bonus points for the following examples of nuttiness:

1. Left my wedding band in a golf cart at the Lacayan Beach Country Club while playing on my Honeymoon. Married 5 days and already lost my ring. The newlywed Mrs. Robinson was not amused. Still married 52 years though! 1,005 Points

2. Before my last colonoscopy with an avid golfing doctor, I asked him what type of grip he planned to use on the scope, Vardon or interlocking? He said, “Crosshanded”. Hmmm?   Just before he put me under, I told him “No O.B. and no Mulligans”. When I came to, I asked him how it went. He said “Tough hole, doubled it” and left. 100 Points

3. I’m known as “All Day Dave” in two counties here in NJ. for playing 36+ holes 3 times a week. My wife once had to get me at the course, and the counter pro said “What’s his name?”  My wife said “I think you call him “All Day Dave” . The pro said we’ll get him from the 4th hole. 512 Points

4. I have an official prescription from a Board Certified doctor to convince my wife that I was OK to play after a brief back issue. It said: “Can play golf, no household chores”. 500 Points

5. While traveling to Singapore on a stopover in Tokyo in 1987, I saw Arnold Palmer in a concourse bar. Arnie was my Father’s favorite golfer (mine as well). I went over to talk to him. He bought me a beer! When it was time to go, I got his autograph on my business card. I gave it to my Dad. He treasured it. When he passed, I got it back and now proudly show it to all my golfing buddies. 2,000 Points

6. During Covid, one of my golfing buddies challenged me to make something out of old scorecards. Attached is a picture of the Augusta National Clubhouse, not to scale but clearly identifiable to serious golfing patrons. 1,000 Points

7. I am Co-President of my 55+ community’s Golf Club, with about 80 members. I arranged and ran a “Geezer” Ryder Cup competition against another local 55+ community, After 8 years of 3 day competitions in singles, best balls and scrambles, the competition is basically tied, 4-3-1 with 116 points vs. 113. Bragging rights were always on the line. 1,008 Points

8. I write articles on our Golf Club for the 55+community monthly newspaper. Besides the normal results from our various events, I try to include humor. I’ve pondered how some club members would fare on “The 18 Best Holes in the World”. Like the 12th at Augusta or the 18th at Pebble. (picture an 36 Indexer!)  It was not pretty! I’ve found pictures of old clubs and a described how certain members would use them. I’ve published tips for playing in the winter in NJ. When not playing golf, I’m proud to say I like Hallmark movies.

I fashioned a script I want to send to Hallmark for their consideration:  Two golfers meet in high school, Arnie and Annika. They plan to go to college on a golf scholarships, then Q School and the Tours. Annika does it, Arnie has to drop out to run the local Muni after his father dies, giving up his dream. Annika goes onto the LPGA and falls for a rather suspicious Australian pro. Arnie marries a local Waffle House waitress with actress ambitions.  Annika’s father owns a swanky private Golf Course right next to Arnie’s Muni which he tries to buy to build Condos. 

In short, Arnie’s wife leaves him and their son for Hollywood, Arnie and the Australian pro play a match for the Muni’s Deed, and Arnie wins after sinking a 95 foot downhiller with his Father’s original Scottsdale Ping Answer. Arnie and Annika get together in the end. A little Caddy Shack, Missing Links, and Happy Gilmore mixed up with Hallmark schmaltz.  595 Points

I haven’t found The Secret yet, but I’m still trying. This year in mid season I adopted a modified “Gary Player” step through with my new Ping 425 driver. My buddies liken it to Arthur Murray two step, but it’s been working for me. (So far). I call it the “Cha Cha CaChing” from all the $2 Nassau’s I’ve won since switching.  Gotta go now, wife’s not home, and I want to hit nerf balls from the sun room, through the kitchen into the dining room. I’m trying the 7 iron today. 425 Points

Dave Robinson (#4084)

Well, #4084, you’re definitely certifiable, that’s for sure! I loved your email so much that I decided to give you some Bonus Points. 7,145 points, to be exact. Nice work!

Regarding your stories, I’m torn between the bar encounter with Arnie and losing your wedding ring in the golf cart during your honeymoon on the fifth day of you marriage. I guess I’ve got to go with the Arnie encounter as it took a lot of chutzpah to walk up to The King and end up having a beer with him. But, losing your wedding ring on your honeymoon and STILL being married is quite a feat! – The Head Nut (#0001)